| Sitting in that sunbeam on that little blue dot. |
[May. 11th, 2008|10:52 pm] |
In the Pale Blue Dot image taken by Voyager 1, we see the Earth in what is described as "a beam of scattered sunlight". Can someone explain to me what is happening here, and why the beam of light appears in the photograph? Shouldn't the light be radiating in all directions equally from the Sun? Is this just some artifact due to the location of Voyager when this picture was taken? I have searched online, but have not been able to find an explanation for this. Help me find the answer to this,  astronomy! Thanks.
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| you got red on you |
[May. 11th, 2008|11:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
lisa. 25. nashville, tn.
this is may 10th: my day of cats and zombies.
47 images including repeat teaser.
new friends are always welcome.
( may 10th 2008 ) |
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| I'll take what I can get. |
[May. 11th, 2008|09:10 pm] |
I was getting really bad five days ago until I started hanging with my friends.
Anyway, sorry for writing so much.
I just wanted everyone to know that no matter how close you are to suicide, something might come along and help you through it. I'm not saying I want to live because death is still one of my options, it's just not the first one anymore.
Take care and try to hold your head up. Listen to the pessimistic one trying to be optimistic. |
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[May. 12th, 2008|12:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
I hardly feel like posting here or in my personal journal nowadays. I've been so depressed for so long that not doing anything for so long has really snowballed. I'm working on a creative writing course from home, but I STILL haven't sent in the final copy for my story I've been working on. This after completing three slightly different versions. It's been FOUR FREAKING MONTHS since I started the damn thing. The fourth copy is likely my last one, since I'm sick of waiting so long to get it done, but I'm unmotivated to whittle away at it. At the same time, my exam for the next module is what I'm going to focus on so that I can get something done, but again I can't get myself to get it done. The studying is the main problem. I need some gas poured and a fire lit under my ass because at this rate, nothing's going to get done.
However, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm becoming apathetic about the whole thing. Perhaps I'm being more accepting with the idea that my life will be meaningless, so I've taken on a bit of a "Why bother?" approach. Like I said, everything's been snowballing in recent months with the creative writing, but especially with the work situation. I should look at it as "I'm due for a lucky break," but I think it should have happened by now.
(X-posted, slightly altered, to personal.) |
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[May. 11th, 2008|09:51 pm] |
Hi. New Here. I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia about...3 years ago. I'm currently taking Lithium (300 mg 3x a day), Seroquel (400 mg), and Guanfacine (1 mg) and I'm about to start Lamictal
I'm just normal enough for people to say when they hear about my illness "So you're saying you're normal." Yup. Normal enough to be incapable of handling 4 college classes, living in fear of losing every job I've ever had (I did lose the first one solely due to mental illness). I'm getting more frustrated watching my friends succeed at school and jobs and go on to better schools while I'm struggling through my community college and seem to be unable to handle the most basic jobs (stress-wise not task based).
Sorry for venting right off the bat but I'm having a lot of trouble right now.
Btw, has anyone had any memory problems from the above meds? I can't remember anything >. |
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| Ugly |
[May. 11th, 2008|09:23 pm] |
It sucks to admit reality. Most people avoid reality at all costs, which is mainly why talk shows of the Oprah variety and "self-help" books are so popular. Nobody ever wants to believe they are beyond hope, nobody wants to have to look in the mirror and accept who they are when such visage is not diluted by some silly, self-serving mantra.
It hurts...it hurts a lot to accept that no matter what you do...no matter what fitness regimen you adhere to...you will never, ever be attractive, and you have to somehow learn to deal with that.
I'm lonely enough as is, and it pains me to realize that no amount of wishing or even hard work is going to change my situation. I have no interest in the fourth-rate girls who evinced an "interest" in me, and I curse myself for my lousy genetics that made this situation so. I'm too tall, too big, and too bald to ever attract a decent girl, and without that hope (partially because I want a girlfriend, partially because I want a daughter) is painful to comprehend. Nobody likes to compromise, to accept a second-rate-fate, to admit that they're simply unattractive and that nothing will ever, ever change that.
Once you've come to that conclusion, scarily, what is really holding you back? What is stopping you from numbing your mind with alcohol and drugs, of compensating for your lack of attractiveness? I think I'd rather be drunk or high every night than have to face the fact that you're fucking simply unattractive, and absolutely nothing other than Michael Jackson-grade plastic surgery will change that fact? |
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| Ranty ranty |
[May. 12th, 2008|01:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Breathe Me - Sia | ] |
This is my life right now. I am freaking the hell out. I have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life. not a clue. I don't even really know what I enjoy. What career is for me? no idea.
I'm 24, broke (and i mean flat flat broke) and living with my friend Brian, who looks after me a lot. he's like my unofficial stepdad. I owe him so much (money being the main thing) and I feel so bad and guilty about not being able to get my ass in gear and pay him back. (for everything).
I'm a total mess. I feel like a just go from tragedy to tragedy. nothing is ever simple, everything is always a huge drama.
Right now I feel like the world is about to collapse in on my head. |
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| Medication |
[May. 11th, 2008|05:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
So I ordered some Prozac 20mg online and started taking it but it makes me very lethargic and relaxed. Problem is I have no energy whatsoever because of being depressed, and the last thing I need to feel even more tired....has anyone found a medicine that gives you more energy and spark? I'm seeing my psych. MD on Friday so I'll have to ask what other pills are there to help me get back to my "normal" self but I'd appreciate if anyone could share their experience with meds. Thanks |
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| Books for Sale |
[May. 12th, 2008|08:09 am] |
I have a pile of books to sell, in varying conditions. (The last time I tried selling my old books, Bent Books gave me a terrible price for them. Feh.) Selling for best offer + shipping (some of the books are pretty big); will ship international. I accept bank transfer, PayPal, and cash in person (depending on where you live). RRP = Recommended Retail Price.
( Books for sale - education, self-help, careers, spirituality, memoirs, travel, crime ) |
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[May. 11th, 2008|10:59 pm] |
can i ask everyones view on the pro-anorexia group on lj
if you dont know it then just pro-anorexia sites in genral
i can't decided
pros:
gives support
less alone
cons:
its promoting anorexia
its dangerous
its wrong
=/ |
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[May. 11th, 2008|05:27 pm] |
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I'm going to crack. I don't even want to talk about it. Sick of the bitter joke that is life. It's gone beyond everything but posting with barely an identity. I just need there to be something out there for people to find. I hate people too much to want help with this. I want to be gone. Alls I need now is the will. It'll come before he gets here (Friday!). I don't want to see him again. But, if anyone sees this: it's not your fault, kid. He knows who he is. It never was. It's me. Me and my hatred for everything. If I have to get up and go through another day I could kill someone. I'm done. Welcome to the last week of my life. A person as sadistic as I am, who takes joy in the idea that he won't know 'til it's too late, deserves this. |
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| Mother's Day? More like Mother's Bitching Day... -.- |
[May. 11th, 2008|02:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Rejected | ] |
I went to the Misty Moonlight Diner after my family got their stuff ready. As usual... I HAD to have a big bag with me for any eventuality... I sat and pretty much played Mario Pinball Land (God knows why, it's not as bad when you turn the volume down...) throughout my time in the 50's like place. I was pretty much depressed because I actually wasn't even born during that time, and those 50's prices are basically super-low... I ate my 4 Chicken Fingers with Fries while I was talking with my family, like I normally do at a diner place when I eat. When we were finished with the Misty Moonlight, I pretty much played MPL with low volume, and I was playing in the Desert World the whole time. I was collecting coins & blue coins from all corners, and I had an incredible amount. I even had a lucky spin to give me x2 coins when I had 86. I was like "JACKPOT!" when I saw that, and I pretty much was excited, and I was actually happy. I had 00 balls, but at the near-end, I was refilled with 03 balls, with like 3 and a half million points, and I had 08 stars.
Gaming aside, the severe depression started when we went to pick up some flowers. I wanted to go with my mom, but she wanted me to stay in the truck. What's wrong with her? Doesn't she want to be with me so we can have an enjoyable experience? Well, I said that phrase to her, and when she threw all these no's, I just lost it. I released my stress away from my mom, but she took it seriously and hopped in the truck immediately. I just cried... seeming how she would leave me like that...
I got mad, and had some arguments to tell about the situation, but I was always interrupted by my mom or my dad. My yelling got fiercer, and I fought black with flaming words. It was no use! They wouldn't even listen to me... so I gave up, and I was very mad at them throughout the ride... I hate myself... T_T
God damn it... I don't know what to do...
I got school tomorrow and I'm not motivated to go anymore... >.<
I'll just be abused like every other day...
It sickens me... *sniffles and starts to generate tears*
And t-the w-w-worst part? I can't suicide... so I have t-to l-l-live with it..
I need a hug... *cries* |
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| Birth Control Pills & Depression |
[May. 11th, 2008|10:52 am] |
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For medical reasons I need to take birth control pills but because they increase my depression it makes it difficult to find one that I'll agree to take long term. I've tried several brands including yasmin, ovcon, levora and so on. The brand that I had been okay with was discontinued so now I'm having to go through this trial and error process again which can be scary since sometimes it takes months to recover from the mood effects of the drug.
Today is the first day of taking Necon 0.5/35. Have any of you girls tried this one before? Did it make the depression worse? Did taking a multi B vitamin help to ease the mood disruptions?
I hate this process. Deciphering what is my "normal" depression and what is the pill is difficult or I get the intense mood swings which is
obviously caused by the pill. Either way it all sucks. |
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| # 8 ' Bad karma will come back to get you' |
[May. 12th, 2008|01:28 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | & hurt | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Songbird - Bernard Fanning | ] |
'I know it sounds funny, but I just can't stand the pain,
Girl, I'm leaving you tomorrow.
Seems to me, girl, you know I've done all I can -
You see I've begged, stole
and borrowed...'
(c) The Commodores
My last entry I talked about friendship. Little did I know how much of a week that it would turn out to be.
I know more than anyone what it is like to be stuck inside your head endlessly. Um - look at my life. I remember years ago making myself physically ill, cringing back on events where I have done or said something. Now - whilst I will still have cringe-worthy moments, nothing as bad as it was. I realize, accept and move on. Why can't everyone be like this?
I have come to accept that there are people in this world that are going to use and abuse you and spit you right out again. That really at the end of the day - don't give an absolute FUCK what you want or how it makes you look. It gives them what THEY want, well then fuck you.
I think because I am naturally friendly, I have been bought up to accept everyone and to be nice to everyone - I think it's also my biggest weakness. That there are some people in this world that see this and use it to their advantage. It's so unfortunate because it makes me jaded. It makes me not want to be so open with people, to retreat back to that place in life where the only people I physically spoke to was C, my mother & my sister.
A couple of days after my last entry, I sent a text message to a guy I use to work with. Unfortunately, he was no longer employed because he didn't adhere to business policies - he didn't really enjoy the job so I don't think he was too cut up about it anyway. My text message was friendly - asked him how he was going and that I hoped things were working out for him and asked if he was married yet (i knew he was planning to propose to his partner and we talked about it often). I got no reply after a few hours - and I really, forgot all about sending my message. Then over my tea break, I got a message back. It was the rudest text, I had recieved in a LONG time. In short, it was telling me not to ever contact him again, that he wanted nothing to do with the company or the people in it ever again and he wanted to forget that he ever worked there or the time there.
I was angry at first. Then the anger filtered into shock. I am one of those unfortunate people that when the anger filters away and shock settles in, I cry. I hate to cry. Maybe it stems from my childhood from when my father use to say crying was a form of weakness. I was at work, when I recieved this message - after showing a girl at work the message I got - who was equally shocked and angry- I walked off to be by myself for a little bit, because I could feel it rising. I could feel the emotions about to spill out and I didn't want the attention, the 'What's wrong's?', because really I felt like a real idiot for crying about something so small anyway.
As the emotions spilled out, it became about other things too. It became about my other 'friend' (from prev. entry & I use that term real lightly after the position he put me in tonight), it became about week & it became about my dad. The one I hardly see and feel like I hardly know. The one that on the occasion makes me feel guilty for being... me.
After a good fifteen minutes of being locked in the disabled toilets and crying myself to the point of throwing up, I felt a bit better. Still shocked about the rude message, mind you. And really felt like sending an equally rude message back, but thought 'What's the point?', I don't need to stoop to his level, at the end of the day, I don't need to make ANYONE else feel terrible because of my own inadequacies and if that small message to me, made him feel better, well good for him. He is a fucking jerk, I can't even think of another word to describe him. Fucking douche maybe - I don't know. But seriously, absolute rudeness that was completely and totally unwarranted.
Bad karma will come back and get you. Remember that...
My prev entry friend, put me in a bad position tonight. He sent me an sms to ask me to tell the work bosses that he wasn't coming in tomorrow because of whatever.
Who does that?
Who puts their friend that actually wants to WORK for the company. That actually wants to MOVE on up in the company - who DOES that? I mean, honestly.
I ended up giving him the phone number (again) and told him to ring them himself - this was upon the advice of others, because I really don't appreciate being put in to that position. That's just rude.
You know what. I think I am just going to become more guarded. I am not opening myself up for this shit anymore.
'Why don't we talk about it?
I'm only here don't shout it
Givin time we'll forget..
Let's pretend we never met...'
(c) Robbie Williams |
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| Downer |
[May. 11th, 2008|04:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
I'm having a mini crisis.
I have no money. like, zero. zip. nada. I'm supposed to be going to this music festival thing with my friends, and I can't afford a ticket. even if I could afford the ticket, I couldn't afford to get there, pay for food, all that stuff. Thats pretty crap, considering I've been so lonely recently and I could really use the company.
I'm also having major issues with my life in general. I don't enjoy anything. I dont have anything to look forward to. All I do is work and the money I make goes toward paying my debts. that's it.
I hate my phone ringing. I hate people talking to me. I hate being so awkward. I hate not knowing why people won't talk to me. I feel like a rigid piece of wood that people just ignore. |
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[May. 11th, 2008|10:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | restless | ] |
holy crap, i may have made a bit of a breakthrough. (sorry about any grammar and punctuation, i broke my left, dominant, hand and don't feel like including the shift button in all i do) i work at a nice little privately owned iga that's in a fairly friendly neighborhood, like people always out and talking and walking and smiling. it's usually ok for me as long as i smoke some ganj beforehand to settle anxiety, but sometimes there's that one horrible person who wants to make everyone else as miserable as they are. yes, i get depressed as hell, and it's partly cause these people freakin exist in the world. usually it takes me upwards of about a week to get over the true nastiness of some of these people, and i do a lot of crying and venting and self-loathing because i still manage to make it my fault, or i feel so bad for everyone they regularly come into contact with. i also do this thing where i constantly dream up situations that have never happened, then feel bad about them too. so stupid.
yesterday, however, one stuck-up lady and her spoiled daughter changed it all. i think she thought i *should* have rung up her huuuuuge order with my one hand, and then proceed to *bag* them all, with my one hand, with the grace and delicacy of a dragonfly landing on water. gee sorry bitch, i got one hand and still have to work cuase i'm not a rich snob like you. every word out of her mouth was condescending. she had a perfectly healthy twelve-ish year old daughter, entirely capable of swirling and skipping around in her little pink dress, but not help the damn cashier bag some damn groceries. maybe i'm just still too young and immature to take all that with a grain of salt, but it was utterly enraging. the woman did nothing but blankly stare out the window and turned her head to say "don't throw my eggs". and you know that tone of voice in which people say they're sorry about something but you *know*, you fucking know they're not? i didn't even have to bag their stuff. i'm a cashier and we usually end up doing both out of the goodness of our hearts, but hardly anybody appreciates it. where would these people be without the service industry? hopefully they'd die of from lack of foraging for themselves, spoiled, self-absorbed assholes. wow, i am so bitter.
i try to be nice i really do, but sometimes that's what makes me feel worse. i end up feeling like they've walked all over me and that i'm really really stupid for just being there. but man, i am so glad i threw her crap around a little. i hope i broke something. it's not like i'm a vengeful person, but i feel i have nothing to be sorry for this time. and it feels good. sorry if this is off-track. |
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[May. 11th, 2008|09:41 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
Sometimes I think I'm wasting my therapist's time.
In our last session we talked about self-esteem and self-image. I hate my size...my height and weight. I can fix my weight but I can't fix being 6 feet tall with too long legs and big feet. We talked about me getting out, exercising, meeting people. But all I keep thinking about is even if I do lose weight I'll still hate myself. There's no attraction with any man who approaches me because I don't find myself attractive. I think that there's something wrong with him because he finds *this* attractive.
I haven't brought up my relationship with my family, specifically my dad. I haven't spoken to him in about 2 months, I've only emailed him. I feel a little gulity but even thinking about talking to him leads to anxiety. I really don't like him as a person.
I going to try to make a meetup.com meeting next week. I really have no excuse not to go since I'll be on vacation. The only thing stopping me is me. |
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| can anyone help?? |
[May. 11th, 2008|10:12 pm] |
hi there
i'm getting married in a few weeks & i need to get one of my bridesmaids dresses altered - does anyone know a good, fast, but not too expensive seamstress or alterations place???? i'm in alderley & my bm is in browns plains...so anywhere in between there (or even on the sunshine coast) would be great!! :D
i need to get this started this week, so any suggestions would be most welcome!!
thanks in advance!! :)
(cross posted) |
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[May. 11th, 2008|09:46 pm] |
I've been medication free for the last 3 months. I haven't been medication free for 10 years solid. I feel..surprised..that I can still function or even still be alive without them..but I don't feel happy..at all..I don't really feel anything..at all..I can't cry, even when I need to, even when I am so low that the normal thing to do, would be to cry. When I laugh or smile, if at all, it doesn't reach my eyes..I don't feel it through my body..
Maybe that doesn't seem important to others, but it is to me. Without laughter and smiles, what point is there to anything.
I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling..I just feel..bad. very..very..bad. It may not be the same as before..with the bone crushing lows and the highest of highs..but there is something wrong..I just know it..I can feel it..and I don't like it.
Everything feels different..I miss my friends..and I've stopped seeing my psychiatrist..but I just don't have the desire or stamina to do anything about it all..don't know where to start this time..I'm just so tired of it all.. |
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| futon mattress/pad |
[May. 11th, 2008|09:51 pm] |
just curious if anyone out there knows where i might be able to get hold of a new mattress/pad for my 'futon' sofa bed. the current mattress/pad that's on it is quite old and quite thin, so not 100%comfortable. my google-fu is teh suck and all i can find is the full package, when all i need is the mattress.
it's the standard futon sofa bed thing you can get from target or kmart or wherever. aluminium frame couch thing that folds out to a double bed.
many thanks :)
til next....
~Kits~ (pretty chuffed with her mothers day haul this year) |
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